Motherhood Makes You Powerful

NOTE:  This original post first appeared on May 9, 2010 on the Chicago Moms Blog.


Motherhood has made me bolder than I ever thought possible. Perhaps it just comes with the territory, but 3 years of caring for my son has created a defensive/offensive place inside me: For him, yes, but also for myself. About a year ago I put this defense-offense strategy into play at a critical time in my life. After a long year and a half of trying, I became pregnant with our second baby. I was determined to give myself a truly fair chance at having a vaginal birth. Our son was delivered by c-section, and my recovery was extremely uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally. I know many, many women who have recovered easily from c-sections and would choose that birthing method again. In fact, 6 of the ten women in my playgroup gave birth to their first child by c-section. That’s sixty percent! YIKES!


I was about 22 weeks along when I started feeling antsy about the OB/GYN practice I was seeing. My son was 9lbs, 6oz at birth. When I met the head OB in the practice, he read my chart, shook my hand, and exclaimed, “Wow! Nine pounds! That’s a big baby boy!” The underlying message I received, whether he intended it or not, was “If you have another big baby there’s no chance you’ll have a vaginal delivery, lady.” I had shared my desire for a low-intervention, natural childbirth over and over again with the various doctors in the practice. They responded that I could certainly attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) if that’s what I wanted. I left that appointment so frustrated and angry. I felt like I had to defend my choices over and over again to doctors and nurses who were paying me lip service while being wary of me trusting my body to do the job it was meant to do.

Honestly, VBAC is not as scary or dangerous as many obstetricians would lead women to believe. Yes, there is a risk of uterine rupture. It’s very small. Statistically, a rupture will occur in about 1 in 180 VBACs. And if a rupture does occur and you are birthing in a hospital with a surgical team present, the rupture is highly unlikely to cause harm to the mother or baby. This is the one of the many things obstetricians are highly trained to deal with: obstetric surgeries and emergencies.

Doctors are likely to tell you that the risk of uterine rupture doubles with a VBAC. That is true. What they are not telling you is that the risk increases from 0.3%-0.5% to 0.6%-1.0%. In fact, it’s more dangerous for mom and baby to undergo a repeat cesarean than it is to attempt a VBAC (ICAN).

But I digress. For another week or so I stressed. Big Time. I wondered if I was being selfish for wanting a vaginal delivery. I worried that my uterus would rupture and kill my baby. I worried that my husband and my friends thought I was crazy. I worried that I would be absolutely alone in my decision. That worry came true. I was alone in the decision. But, ultimately, that was okay. After about a week of agonizing I called West Suburban Women’s Health in Willowbrook and made an appointment to meet with one of the midwives.

I switched practices. That decision came easily. Though I fought away feelings of guilt for “abandoning” my previous OBs, I eventually understood that childbirth is not about pleasing people, it’s about getting a job done. And I wanted to participate fully in accomplishing that task. I knew there was a chance that my VBAC would result in another c-section. I tried to prepare myself for that possibility by talking about how to make the surgery as birth-like as possible. I explained to my midwives how I desperately wanted to nurse the baby within an hour of the birth, and I wanted to use a mirror to see the baby being born, since I wouldn’t be able to feel it with a spinal. They supported me beautifully as I worked through the complex emotions I carried around after my c-section. They eased my anxieties when I was still pregnant on my due date, and even met us at the hospital on the Fourth of July because we thought my water had broken. It hadn’t. Days later they cheered me on for over 12 hours of labor - and insisted that I collaborate with them on every single decision in that delivery room.

Our baby girl was born after two and a half hours of pushing, and she was 9lbs, 12oz. Six ounces heavier than my big baby boy! My recovery was so completely different from after my c-section. I couldn’t believe how much better I felt - and looked - this time. I am still shocked at the differences between the two experiences. Ultimately, however, I am overwhelmingly grateful for my c-section. The joy of having a son, our first child, was perfect. There is nothing like seeing and touching your baby for the first time - not to mention sharing that moment with your partner. But on another level, I am grateful for the experience because it led me to a deeper understanding of myself. I am proud to say that I used my c-section to learn about the situation many OB/GYNs face at their hospitals and through their insurance carriers when they consider allowing VBACs. I learned that midwives are some of the coolest, kindest, most patient, and most empowering women I know. And perhaps most importantly, I re-learned how to trust my body and revel in the miraculous things it can do.

I wouldn’t change a thing. Motherhood has made me powerful.